Hey Essay Mexican Joke

Spanish Jokes

Welcome to the Spanish Pronto joke page!
Each joke includes an English translation after each Spanish sentence. You will probably learn more Spanish, though, by not scrolling down to the translation until you have done your best to translate the Spanish yourself. So that you might notice : ) when it is being used, verbs in the subjunctive mood have been highlighted with boldface type.

For more helpful information for learning more Spanish, see the Spanish Pronto! main page.



Chistes

Jokes

This one's mine (© 2016):

Intentaba escoger un champú y vi que casi todos decían "no se ha probado en animales".

I was trying to choose a shampoo and I noticed that almost all of them said "has not been tested on animals."

�Con razón he visto tantos animales con el pelo rebelde!

No wonder I have seen so many animals with bad hair!


The following jokes I found on the joke pages of Ciudad Futura (http://www.ciudadfutura.com), a former Spanish-language Internet community. These jokes are some of the better (and cleaner) ones from a couple Ciudad Futura pages which, unfortunately, no longer exist.

¿Has oído el caso de ese fugitivo que secuestró un autobús de turistas japoneses?

Have you heard about the case of that fugitive who held hostage a busload of Japanese tourists?

La policía tiene 5.000 fotos suyas.

The police have 5,000 pictures of him.


Hay tres clases de personas:

There are three kinds of people:

las que saben contar y las que no.

those who know how to count, and those who don't.


El doctor llama por teléfono a su paciente:

The doctor calls his patient by telephone:

- Vera, tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.

"Vera, I have good news and bad news."

- Bueno... dígame primero la buena.

"Well then, . . . tell me the good news first."

- Los resultados del análisis indican que le quedan 24 horas de vida.

"The results of the analysis indicate that you have 24 hours left to live."

- Pero, bueno, ¿eso es la buena noticia? ¿Entonces cuál es la mala?

"Well, that's the good news? Then what's the bad news?"

- Que llevo intentando localizarle desde ayer.

"That I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."


Unos tíos están subidos a un árbol cuando les ve un policía.

Some guys are up in a tree when a policeman sees them.

- Pero, bueno, ¿ustedes qué hacen ahí? Venga hombres, bajen. ¡No sea que se caigan y se rompan algo!

"Well, what are you all doing there? Come on men, come down. Let's not have any of you falling and breaking something!"

Y cuando llegan al suelo...

And when they arrive on the ground . . .

- A ver, ¿ustedes quiénes son?

"O.K. now, who are you?"

-¡Pucha, qué memoria! ¡Los del árbol!

"Geez, what a memory! The ones from the tree!"


- Jo, tío, me acabo de comprar un aparato para la sordera que es una maravilla. Me lo puedo meter en la oreja y nadie se da cuenta.

"Hey, man, I have just bought myself an aid for deafness that is a wonder. I can put it in my ear and nobody realizes it."

- Jo, ¡qué cosas...! ¿y cuánto te ha costado?

"Huh, what things [will they think of next]! And how much did it cost you?"

- Las dos y cuarto.

"A quarter past two."


Un paciente entra en la consulta del médico.

A patient enters the doctor's office.

Doctor: - ¿Qué es lo que le ha traído por aquí?

Doctor: "What is it that's brought you here?"

Paciente - Una ambulancia, ¿por qué?

Patient: "An ambulance. Why?"


Se encuentran dos amigos.

Two friends run into each other.

- Oye, macho, ¡tengo un pato que habla!

"Hey [listen], man, I have a duck that talks!"

- Amos, hombre, no digas tonterías.

"Come on, man, don't say stupid things."

- Que sí, ya verás. Ven a mi casa y lo ves.

"But it's true, you'll see. Come to my house and you'll see it."

Llegan a la casa, abren la puerta y aparece un pato.

They arrive at the house, open the door, and a duck appears.

- A ver. Pato, tráeme una corbata.

"Watch. Duck, bring me a tie."

- Cuaaa!

"Quack!"

- Pst... la de rayas misma!

"Geez . . . the striped one! [Cuál = Which?]


Una cigüeña está en su nido con su hijo, que está llorando:

A stork is in her nest with her son, who is crying:

- Mamá, mamá, buah, ¿dónde está papá, snif?

"Mom, Mom, waaaa, where is Dad? Sniff."

- Hijo, tranquilízate, no pasa nada. Está haciendo feliz a la panadera llevándole un niño.

"Son, calm down, nothing [bad] is happening. He is making the baker happy, bringing her a son."

La noche siguiente es el padre el que está solo en el nido con la cría, que está llorando otra vez.

The next night it is the father who is alone in the nest with the baby, who is crying again.

- Buah, papá, papá, buah, ¿dónde está mamáaaa...!

"Waaaa, Dad, Dad, waaaa, where is Mom...?!

- Deja de llorar, chico, si no pasa nada. Se ha ido a llevar alegría a casa del alcalde...

"Stop crying, boy, because nothing [bad] is happening. She has gone to bring joy to the mayor's house. . .

La siguiente noche, el padre y la madre están preocupadísimos en el nido esperando al pollo, que aparece con cara alegre.

The next night, the father and the mother are worried sick in the nest waiting for the chick, who appears with a happy face.

- Pero, bueno, ¿qué pasa? ¿Dónde estabas?

"Well, what's happening? Where were you?"

- Nah, no pasa nada. Le estaba dando un susto a una estudiante...

Nah, nothing's happening. I was giving a scare to a coed. . .


Un tío ingresa en un hospital para hacerse una pequeña operación.

A guy enters a hospital to have a minor operation.

Una enfermera empieza a tomarle los datos; el nombre, la compañía del seguro, etcétera.

A nurse begans to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc.

- En caso de emergencia, ¿a quién avisamos?

"In case of emergency, whom should we notify?"

- ¿Quiere decir si estoy a punto de morirme?

"Do you mean if I am just about to die?"

- Bueno... sí...

"Well . . . yes . . ."

- En ese caso, ¡llame corriendo a un doctor!

"In that case, run and call a doctor!"


A un pueblo del oeste llega una carreta y un tío con pinta de charlatán empieza a hacer propaganda de una poción, que supuestamente le conserva joven a pesar de que tiene trescientos años.

To a town in the west there arrives a wagon and a guy who seems like a charlatan begins to advertise a potion, which supposedly keeps him young despite [the fact] that he is three hundred years old.

Un campesino se acerca dudando a uno de sus ayudantes.

A farmer, having doubts, approaches one of his assistants.

- Oiga, y de verdad que este tío ha vivido trescientos años?

"Hey, is it really true that this guy has lived three hundred years?"

- Mire, no lo sé, yo sólo llevo doscientos trabajando con él.

"Look, I don't know, I have only worked with him for two hundred."


Un policía detiene a un transeúnte y le dice:

A policeman detains a transient and says to him:

- A ver, usted, deme el nombre.

"Let's see, you, give me your name."

- ¡Sí, hombre! ¡Y entonces cómo me llamo?

"Yeah, right! And then what would I call myself?!"


- Doctor, doctor, el pelo se me está cayendo. ¿Me puede dar algo para conservarlo?

"Doctor, doctor, my hair is falling out on me. Can you give me something to keep it?"

- Sí, claro. Aquí tiene una caja de zapatos.

"Yes, of course. Here's a shoe box."


- Doctor, doctor, ¿qué tal ha ido el parto?

"Doctor, doctor, how did the birth go?"

- Bueno, todo muy bien, pero a su hijo le hemos tenido que poner oxígeno.

"Well, everything very well, but we have had to put on your son [put your son on] oxygen." [ponerle = "put on him "]

- ¿¿Oxígeno?? Con la ilusión que a mí me hacía ponerle Federico...

"Oxygen?? And after my heart was so set on calling him Federico . . . " [ponerle = "name him"]


- Doctor, doctor, tengo tendencias suicidas, ¿qué hago?

"Doctor, doctor, I have suicidal tendencies. What should I do?"

- Págueme ya mismo.

"Pay me this instant."


- Doctor, doctor, no puedo recordar nada.

"Doctor, doctor, I can't remember anything."

- Vaya, y desde cuando tiene usted este problema?

"Wow, and how long have you had this problem?"

- ¿Qué problema?

"What problem?"


- Doctor, doctor, me he roto el brazo en varios sitios.

Doctor, doctor, I have broken my arm in several places."

- Pues yo de usted no volvería a esos sitios.

"Well, if I were you, I wouldn't go back to those places."


- Doctor, doctor, veo elefantes azules por todas partes.

"Doctor, doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."

- Ha visto ya a un psicólogo ?

"Have you seen a psychologist yet?"

- No, sólo elefantes azules.

"No, just blue elephants."


- ¿Me das tu teléfono?

"Will you give me your telephone [number]?"

- Sí, hombre, ¿y con qué llamo a mis amigos?

"Yeah, right! And then how would I call my friends?"


Una tía entra en una lencería.

A lady enters a lingerie store.

- Buenas, ¿me podría probar ese sujetador, el rojo, en el escaparate?

"Hello, could I try on that bra, the red one, in the window?"

- Claro que puede, ¿pero no sería mejor que se lo probase en el probador?

"Of course you can, but wouldn't it be better if you tried it on in the dressing room?"


En la panadería:

In the bakery:

- Me da una barra de pan.

"Give me a loaf of bread."

- Tendrá que ser duro. [duro = stale, tough]

"It will have to be stale."

Le trinca por la solapa, le da un par de bofetadas y le dice:
- Me da una barra de pan!!!!

He picks him up by the lapels, gives him a couple slaps and says:
"Give me a loaf of bread!!!!"

[This joke relies on the customer's misinterpretation of "Tendrá que ser duro." (i.e., You will have to be tough.)]


Esto es un misionero que está en plena selva y se encuentra de bruces con un león que estaba casi muerto de hambre.

This one is a missionary who is in the middle of the jungle and finds himself face to face with a lion who was almost dead from hunger.

El misionero se asusta y se pone de rodillas. Empezando a rezar dice:

The missionary becomes frightened and kneels. Beginning to pray, he says:

- Padre, infunde a este pobre león sentimientos cristianos.

"Father, fill this poor lion with Christian feeling."

...Se oye un silencio...

. . . A silence is heard . . .

y de buenas a primeras el león se pone de rodillas, diciendo:
- Padre, bendice estos alimentos que voy a recibir...

and all of a sudden the lion kneels, saying:
"Father, bless this food which I am about to receive . . ."


URL for this page:http://www.spanishpronto.com/spanishpronto/jokes.html
More helpful information for learning more Spanish at: Spanish Pronto! main page.
Created -- 2000-03-14
Revised -- 2017-08-20


Short Mexico Jokes

Q: Why do Mexicans make refried beans?
A: Ever heard of a Mexican doing something right the first time.

Q: What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
A: Roberto!

Q: What do you call a Mexican with a lowered car?
A: Carlos!

Q: Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
A: He had locomotives.

Q: What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonnaise?
A: Sinko De Mayo.

Q: Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?
A: Her teacher told her she had to do an essay.

Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist?
A: He joined the que que que.

Q: What do you call a Mexican fighting a priest?
A: Alien vs Predator.

Q: What's the difference between pick and choose?
A: Pick means to select something and choose is what a Mexican wears on his feet.

Q: What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
A: Cuatro, sink-o.

Project X is still not even close to being as crazy as a Mexican party. Nice try gringos

Q: What do you call a Mexican midget?
A: A paragraph cause he's too short to be an essay.

Q: What do you call a mexican with a bottle of vermouth?
A: A dry Martinez.

Q: What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
A: Arriba McEntire.

Q: What do you call two mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

Q: Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?
A: Because there is no tres-passing.

Q: Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?
A: Tequila.

Q: How does every Mexican joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What do you call a bunch of mexican stoners?
A: Baked Beans.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Mexican and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Q: What do you get when you mix a Mexican and an octopus?
A: I don't know either, but imagine that thing picking oranges

Q: How do you say "tall Mexicans" in Spanish?
A: Churros

Q: Why cant Mexicans have a barbeque?
A: The beans keep falling through the grill

Q: What do you get when you cross a Chinese and a Mexican man?
A: A car thief who can't drive!

Q: What do you call an Mexican in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.

Q: Whats the difference between a Mexican and a deadbeat?
A: About three Coronas.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A: A Beaner-Schnitzel

Q: Why were there only 600 Mexicans at the Alamo?
A: They only had two cars.

Q: What happens when a Mexican and an ASIAN make a baby?
A: A car thief who can't actually drive is born.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Iranian?
A: Oil of Ol'e.

Q: Why did God give Mexicans noses?
A: So they'll have something to pick in the winter.

Q: What do you call two Mexican FireFighting brothers?
A: Hose A and Hose B

Q: What kind of containers are there in Mexico?
A: Mexicans.

Q: How do you teach a Mexican to swim?
A: Put a fence in front of the pool

Q: What's a Mexicans favorite book store?
A: Borders

Q: Why don't Mexicans play hide and seek?
A: Cause nobody will look for them?

Q: Name the only American holiday a Mexican won't celebrate?
A: Labor day!

Q: What do you call a building full of Mexicans?
A: Jail

Q: Why are Mexicans and basketball players a like?
A: They both run jump shoot and steal

Q: What do Mexicans and vending machines have in common?
A: They both take your money and don't work.

Q: What do you call a little mexican?
A: a paragraph cause he's not an ese yet

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter because they're all to short.

Q: How do you keep Mexicans from stealing?
A: Put everthing on the top shelf.

Q: Whats the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo?
A: Nobody pretends to be Mexican.

Q: What's a Mexican's favorite sport?
A: Cross country

Q: What do you call a guy thats half Mexican and half Chinese that wears only one sneaker?
A: Juan Chu

Q: What did the Mexican say when he had the best time of his life?
A: Taco about a good time.

Q: Why can't Mexicans be firemen?
A: They can't tell the difference between jose and hose b

Q: Why don't Mexicans cross the border in 3's?
A: Because it says no trespassing

Q: What do you call a completely shaven Mexican?
A: A smooth criminal.

Q: What do you call a bad puppy?
A: Felix Naughty Dog

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just Juan

Q: What are the first 3 words in every mexican cookbook?
A: Steal a chicken

Q: What do you call a Mexican chick with no legs?
A: cuntswaylow

Q: How do you stop a mexican from robbing your house?
A: Put up a help-wanted sign

Q: What do you call a Mexican driving a BMW?
A: Grand Theft Auto.

Q: What is the difference between a Mexican and a elevator?
A: One can raise families.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower?
A: Unemployed.

Q: What do you call a Mexican with no car?
A: Joaquin!

Q: Why do Mexicans drive low riders?
A: They are too short to get into any other type of car.

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a tire?
A: It depends on how many need to get out of the trunk first.

Q: What's a Mexicans favorite subject?
A: Math, because all they know how to do is multiply.

Q: What do you call a Mexican in a Chinese Restaurant?
A: A Juantan

Q: Why do you never see a funeral procession in Mexican neighborhoods?
A: There are never enough jumper cables.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have a Olympic team?
A: Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is already across the border!

Did u hear about those two mexicans that went to college?
Neither did I

If the ocean was whiskey, and the sand was cocaine, I'd be in Mexico feeling no pain

I'm starting a Mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends. We'll call ourselves "Juan Direction."

My Latino friend was angry I made a Mexican joke, so I said "Lets taco bout it."

Mexicans be like you're the only Juan for me.

Trump es un Pendejo.

El Chapo only escaped from prison to have a "talk" with Trump.

Mexican and Black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you heard Juan you've heard Jamal.

"I hate tacos" said no Juan ever

there was a taco and some nachos.
the nacho was sad so the taco said wanna taco about it
and the nachos said nacho business

The Mexican goverment has the best social welfare system in the world.
No forms to fill out, open to everyone, cost nothing to run.
Is called the US border.

I was about to smoke weed with a Mexican girl.
Until I asked her if she had papers, she immediately ran off.

Piss

This Mexican dude was taking a pee on the side of a building and this Texan sees him. After the Mexican is done the texan bloke asks him, "How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands after you pee?"
The Mexican smiles, "Senior, we Mexicans don't piss in our hands..."

Mexican Wedding
A big tough Mexican man married a good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"Honey, I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His lovely new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at eight o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."


You Know You Are a Mexican When...

You share the same social security number with all your amigos
You smell like BO all the time
You have at least thirty cousins
You can't imagine anyone not liking spicy food
There is at least one member in your family name Maria, Guadalupe, Juan, Jose, or Jesus
You run and hide when you see the border patrol
You see a fence and want to hop over it
You have crooked teeth
You are too short to go on rides in disney land
You have a salsa stain on your shirt from a while ago that won't come off
You fart more than you breath
Your biggest problem is deciding between tacos or burritos
At your service job everyone talks to you as if you don't speak english
You have at least thirty cousins
You have beans and rice with every meal
Instead of saving for your daughters wedding you save money for her quince�iera.
You don't want Donald Trump to win because all your cousins will get deported.
Your mowing your own grass, then a car stops to ask you how much you charge
When a song in Spanish is on the radio, and your friends ask you what they are saying
Your house smells like burning tortillas
Everyone sings "Feliz Cumpleanos" instead of the Happy Birthday song on your birthday
Gringos ask you how you roll your R's
you have tons of cousins to beat the hell out of somebody when you need them too
Your parents think your lazy because you take Spanish in high school.
Your parents will beat you with anything they can find. Brooms, shoes, wires, pans, guitars.
Your mouth gets all watery when you smell something spicy
your phone's autocorrect keeps messing up your Spanish texts to your parents.
You watch Border Wars just to re-live those days again.
You hold tequila in one hand, a cross in the other, praying to La Virgen De Guadalupe.
You are in a 5-passenger car with 8 people in it
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
All your white friends think your cousins are in drug cartels in Mexico.

The Foreigner
Once there was a man that came from Mexico to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly"
And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."
Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"
The foreigner said "Me me me me me me me."
The police said "Why did you kill him?"
And the man said "He stole my dolly."
The police man said "What did you kill him with?"
The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The police man said "any last words?"
And the foreigner said "Plug it in plug it in."

Drunk Mexican
I was bartending in Vegas and this drunk mexican asks me for a shot of tequila and a beer.
He was hurting so bad with a hangover..he then asks me for another.
I said "You got money?
He told me no, but he is hurting so bad that he will do anything for another round....
I looked at him and told him..if you could use these three colors in a sentence, I'll buy you a round...Green Pink and Yellow.
The drunk mexican looks at me, thinks for a second, and tells me.."I got it senor, I got it...The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and I said Yellow?"
I bought him a round....

Four Amigos
There was a Britsh man, a Saudi Arabian man, a Texan and a Mexican.
They where all on a plane and it started to shake and the pilot said we have hit bad turbelance some of you is going to have to jump out.
So the Saudi Arabian man said "For the King" and jumped out.
Then the Britsh man said "For the Queen" and he too jumped out.
Then the Texan said "For the Alamo" and kicked the Mexican out of the plane.

Smart Ass Mexican
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth" "?

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

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